I solemnly swear I am up to no good.

Life is funny. Sometimes, in fact, it's downright hilarious. The idea that an event, a place, a person, or any moment in someone's past can haunt them or hurt them one minute, and seem comical years later is rather scary. I suppose having the ability to laugh at one's own mistakes is a necessity to getting on with life when it's not so funny, when its barely tolerable even. However, the idea of it seems naive. "Someday, we'll look back on this and laugh." God, for my sake, I sure hope so. Honestly, some situations at the time seem nearly impossible to laugh at. Maybe its all an attempt to make our lives seem a little better, even if just for a moment.

Summer gives a lot of space for thought. It's when I usually decide what to throw myself into that perhaps I've neglected during the school year. Among those are usually writing, cardio, reading, and films. Tapping into these places again is refreshing, and I'm glad to do it. I haven't been able to write in so long, with the exception of the occasional blog post or two. I think its a much greater and significant part of myself than I care to admit. Without it, I'm a little less me and a little more of the facade I play so well. I believe I've gotten better at dismissing said facade, but nothing is fixed overnight. And so, I carry on.

On another note, I'm a sad little lobster. Quite burnt, in many unfavorable places. Ah, the sufferings of a pale Swiss, Irish, German girl. I've got no genes for tanning, only burning. I suspect I've had it worse. In fact, today I recalled this situation with Bree, when Jackie and I were burnt so bad at a water-park before going to a Cubs game. When will I learn. I suppose I've been burned in other ways as well, and each time I wonder if it was worth it. Life isn't meant to be spent in a house in front of a television, though I do enjoy those days occasionally. Such a weird metaphor this has turned out to be, but nevertheless, I think I'll still have my days in the sun, even if they disagree with me every now and again.

Harry Potter. Less than a month. CAN'T. WAIT. I do believe its the highlight of my year, and I'm not even joking. I think the last installment will live up to expectations, as well as it can. Nothing will ever trump the books, in my opinion, but thusfar, for the most part, the films have been agreeable and somewhat true to the original story. I enjoy the occasional line verbatim from the text. I think the greatest will be in the the last film, with Molly Weasley's "Not my daughter, you bitch!" Apparently, there was a lot of controversy with the line being able to be said, because of the fans being diverse in age. It was overruled however, and I look forward to Molly being a BAMF. On a side note, I have seen Green Lantern, Thor, and X-men First Class. Of the three, Thor was my favorite. (Astonishingly so!) I didn't know what to expect. Green Lantern was great as well, and X-men had James McAvoy...so there you go. And just so I can cram as much nerd into this paragraph as possible, Power Rangers episodes are now available on Netflix Instant. Yeah. Oh, happy day.

With work and such, I'm staying somewhat busy, but things are very different in a summer without a musical. Thinking about the school year scares me a bit though. Its going to be a difficult one. Finishing my Spanish minor, and gearing up for ACTF in the Spring. A little intense. I'm not at all ready to go back yet, but I am missing some people from the department quite a bit. Wishing the summer away is not my intent, however, and so until then I will make the best of what I have here.

Face the Music

I've recently discovered something. Perhaps its because I like to think I overanalyze everything and find it impossible to miss ridiculous details about life, but alas, I do, and I have. And fortunately enough, I've found time to understand this realization of sorts because I'm done with school (for now) and just tonight I wrapped up the second production of the semester. I believe I find comfort in a full schedule, because being alone with my thoughts can sometimes be dangerous. Everyone has to face their own music sometime, and ladies and gents, I suppose this is me facing mine.

Loving theatre is like a second nature, really. I tried to ween myself off of the program during my junior year at UNI, but something was always missing. I took classes to fill the gap, pretended having free nights was a great bonus, and talked myself out of recollecting. This past semester, being part of two productions gave me gusto that I missed and dearly needed after months of nothing. I think theatre is like my drug of choice. 1) Coffee 2) Theatre 3) Men who play instruments. To be clear, my realization is I can't live without it and have done a poor job pretending that I can.

I consistently hear that having a degree in Theatre proves difficult in finding a job. Well, quack quack, I've been looking for a job that PAYS mind you (the one that did offer failed to mention that) and this economy sucks so hard I doubt having a degree in Super Fucking Awesome at Everything would help at this point. I have interview number four tomorrow, and lets hope something comes of it. At the end of the day, its a means to an end and unfortunately money takes center stage with the big beaming spotlight and standing ovation. Sit down, people. It's not that great.

Tonight, I was involved in a production (Willy Wonka Jr.) with members from the community and adults with varying mentally handicapped disabilities. Gosh, if there is a cast that loved doing a show more than these folks, I would be surprised. I felt so honored and humbled to be a part of something so great, and on a stage like the Gallagher I considered myself one lucky gal. The house ended up being around 1,250 people. It just goes to show what theatre can do.

Summer is upon us. I never feel like Summer is legit. Probably because the first week or so, I'm just in a solid coma-fest mcgee and find myself disoriented. I'm not complaining. Just trying to figure out what my days and nights will be devoted to. Moving back home is not intriguing after living in Cedar Falls for four years, but alas, money again has dominated the picture. I just hope one day, its worth it all. Some people just want to be content. I can appreciate that. I want something more.

A Measure of Inadequacy

How do we measure that which we consider fulfilling, in comparison to what we find inadequate? There is, of course, no universal answer. However, I find that many individual's judge according to what they find inadequate everyday, and when someone does not meet this quota, it is made known. Honestly, carrying on a facade for the world is exhausting and impossible. No one can really be completely adequate for anyone else, sometimes not even for themselves. Too much to think about, if you ask me. But perhaps enough to consider.

Christmas is a funny little holiday. I love it too much. I find that when its over, I get sad for some reason. Taking down all the decorations, feeling just a little bit older knowing next year I'll probably get a vacuum cleaner, wondering how many more Christmases I will spend in this area or will be able to spend with my immediate and extended family; the works essentially. It is a little overwhelming, but needless to say, I seem to digest it and get on with my life. I think its the spring semester. I can never seem to look forward to walking across a freezing cold campus for three months. Go figure?

Some individual's find repetition to be comfortable. I have been one of these individual's for quite some time, but lately, I've found consistency to be of the boring, dreary nature. I feel I've been riding on a train, the same scenery, same stop, same well wishes and let downs, for a long time. I want to do things spur of the moment, make weird decisions, and be okay with it. Perhaps I'm going through a mid-life crisis or something? Either that, or I'm on the brink of some odd change. Change is quite intimidating and scary, however, its necessary and I'm coming to terms with that. I think having a good friend deciding to move to Vietnam for a year has given me some well-to-do inspiration. Thanks, Jackie. I'm running with it.

Speaking of spur of the moment decisions, I'm really craving a trip somewhere. I don't know where exactly, however, I really don't know how I'm going to compete with the last two. Florida two years ago, and California the year before, all on money that I most definitely didn't have to spend. However, the experience was always worth it. I really would like to go out east, New York mostly, but anywhere out of Iowa (with no snow) will be much appreciated. Wishful thinking, I know, but I like it. :)

Sassy and Classy.

It's been awhile. However, I think I can speak for myself when I say this past semester prevented me from wanting to do any outside writing. At all. Period. I am completely convinced that all of my analysis and research papers combined (one of which, was 35 pages) could be made into a small novel. Mind you, I wouldn't recommend reading it. However, grades are coming here in a few short days, lets hope to christ on a cracker that all of that writing paid off. I have half a notion to bind all of them up, and take them with me to job interviews as an accessory, instead of a coach purse or a small dog, I'll carry my Communication Analysis papers. Sassy and classy. Take that, world.

Speaking of school, the registrar just had the nerve to email me and say, "The following class has been dropped for the upcoming Spring 2011 semester." Which translates to, "It sucks to be you, 431055, but good luck with your life!" It was the only Spanish class that I could fit into my schedule, and of course, it ends up being removed because of the low amount of interest. I don't understand. I just want to graduate...why must this be so difficult. I could have graduated this coming May, but I decided to keep my Spanish minor and graduate in the Fall. This of course, is superbly failing.

On the upside, it's Christmastime! I do love Christmas, even though I have to water 234098745983745987234 poinsettia's and hear just as many versions of Santa Baby, I still manage to love it just the same every year. The gift-giving thing, though. That's always tough. I love it, but it is a pain really to find anything that anyone really wants. Hattie and I just bought our own purses and said they were from each other. Christmas purse! Honestly, one of my favorite parts of Christmas is watching A Charlie Brown Christmas with my Dad. I don't think that movie will ever get old.

So many people around me are doing productive things. Getting engaged. Having babies. Moving to Nam. (JACKIE) It makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing, and why I feel so...unaccomplished. I don't really know what I'm going to do once I graduate, but I sure hope it's something worth doing, something that I can be proud to call my own. I don't expect this awesome prospect to come along right after I graduate (I'm not that daft) I just hope, in time with hard work and a good word that I can find something I love. For the record, I am intimidated by those around me who are seizing opportunities, especially if it means loosing them for a time. However, I know that inspiration needs to come from somewhere. Needless to say, I get by with a little help from my friends.

Have a Happy Christmas all. You stay sassy.

And classy, if you want to.

Waiting for the Unexpected

Spontaneity is quite contagious. I long for a day when I don't know what happens next, and in a sense I suppose, life is very much spontaneous even if I try to plan it. Schedule's can only last so long, eventually as they say change comes about, and again I am forced to find another pattern for each unrecognizable day. How very dull, if you ask me. The truth is, I am tired of being lost in the routine, rather than finding the air, the small lines in-between. If I had a mission, it would be to hold on to the unstructured and unplanned impulsiveness in the midst of impossible reality.

Speaking of unplanned. My car is the epitome of surprises. Just two weeks ago it wouldn't start. I took it into the shop. A few days later, I was told that the computer had been reset, they were monitoring it, and everything seemed kosher. Wunderbar. So, my brother went to pick it up, and he drove a whole five blocks...and then it stalled in the middle of 1st street. Not my idea of spontaneity, but I suppose I can't complain. Anyway, I just got it back today. I honestly hope this is the last mishap from the Intrepid for awhile. I would be eternally grateful.

I took my final Friday in Humanities. The end, as I know it. Well, for three weeks at least. 3 credits richer, and 6 credits total for the summer. Not too bad, however, I sincerely hope I can get the rest of my credits during the school year and graduate on time. It is exciting and almost surreal as I stand upon the brink of my senior year. Nearly a few months away from reality, the working world. I must say, the economy has given me quite a scare. I worry about job opportunities after graduation, but I try to remember a small notion my Dad always told me "Most things you worry about never happen." I hope he's right.

Tomorrow, vacation commences. It couldn't come fast enough. I am beyond thrilled, and ready to hit the open road. Sometimes, there just isn't anything that compares to long trips with good conversation, good views, and good friends. Speaking of which, I spent this past weekend in Omaha with Luke, Matt, and Tony! We went to the Zoo on Saturday, and then hit up a delicious Indian inspired restaurant and a couple bars as well. It was great spending a weekend with the boys. I forget how much I love being with men, their laid-back and (spontaneous!) attitude towards life. I find I've acquired some wonderful guys in my life. I can't honestly thank them enough, for just being themselves.

Upon the brink of a 25+ car ride, I find myself wondering how passing the time will commence. I am sure that among five brains, there should be something worth our while. I am more than eager to go back to Cali, but I must admit I didn't think I would be making a trip up this soon! I only just visited in March for Spring Break, and I am delighted to be going back. Twice in a year. Not too bad. I am quite looking forward to what I will be waiting at my return, however. School seems oddly in my favor this year, as it is not just classes and a piece of official calligraphied (made up word) paper that I am happy to tend to, but also friends I've missed. Some especially in particular. Here's to having a planner, and not planning anything at all.

Apology Accepted

I am apologetic. As a woman, as a female using feminine talk, I am by nature supposed to use fillers when making a point, such as "Well, if you think so" or "Is that okay?", and of course the ever popular, "I'm sorry." Or, "My apologies" for the Brits. Often times, I've realized I'm so accident prone and somewhat embarrassing that I apologize in advance for whatever chaos might ensue on account of my brilliant awesomeness. Point being? Well, I almost feel as if I never make a strong point, because I always "apologize" for it. I feel a lot, a great deal in fact. I'd like to think I know what passion is like. I just don't know if I ever have courage enough to stick to my guns. Lock and load, ladies and gentlemen.

I mentioned I learned a few more design techniques last Monday. Too bad I never get to use them, on account of I'm too busy dealing with crazies. Right? The Million Stem Rose Sale brings the most annoying, demanding, picky customers I've ever had to deal with. One lady kept me an HOUR after my shift making a boutonnière which, might I add WITHOUT apology, is one flower and a couple greens made with floral tape. In reality, it should take a whole five minutes. And it would have, if she wouldn't have complained about the angle of the bow. Holy zombie Jesus. I honestly believe this job is reason enough for higher education. Amen.

I'm an avid buyer of things I don't need. I could say I have this in common with alot of people, however, I think I have the sense not to purchase some of the random ridiculous paraphenalia that others would swoon over. For example. The other day at work, I priced Sun balloons with sunglasses on them. Whoever thought the sun should have sunglasses? It seems like an oxymoron to me. The vintage and second hand stores are always a good laugh too. Sometimes I get lucky, but most of the time I find myself sifting through stuff I wouldn't have bought the first time around, much less the second. I should mention that Hattie and I went to 18th Street Vintage and saw an old as balls Golf Cart for sale. We strongly debated it, for the sole purpose of riding it around campus and telling anyone who gave us a look, "What are you going to do about it. We're seniors!" We resisted however, and bought Twister and Lite Bright instead. WIN.

Last night, we had a Christmas in July party at the duplex! It was a great turnout for being so awful outside. Hattie made fun foods, including the most amazing fruit pizza I've ever had the pleasure of eating. We also had a White Elephant gift exchange, which was way fun! Hattie ended up with a bag of awesome hats, and I somehow chose the bag with a heart monitor :). Needless to say, we received some pretty random presents. Diana was also able to make an appearance, looking lovely and finally back in the states! I think we are going to love being roommates next fall, for more than a few reasons. Jam sessions all the time, and bottom line, its going to rock.

One more week of Humanities, and free at last, free at last. Taking classes in the summer has its pros and cons, but during the month of reading and studying and staying in to do said work, it makes me wonder when I ever thought it was a good idea. Alas, in a week I will be 3 credits richer. From there, on to Omaha to see Luke and Tony, and then California with the girls. A much needed vacation, in other words, and I cannot wait. I suppose I could classify these trips under things I shouldn't "buy", and perhaps some people would laugh at the amount of money I expect to get me through both. However, as my boss told me last week, I need to grow some balls. So, this is one thing I won't apologize for.

Well behaved women rarely make history.

Small but Significant

It's amazing how many times I catch myself wanting life to slow down, then hoping simultaneously for it to move at a faster pace. I find most days have their moments of picking up and hours of dreadful dragging on. The little things and the small insignificant parts to my day are sometimes the only way I believe time can stop and wait for my own small appreciation. Laughing of course is essential. Any way that I can laugh, mind you, I will seek it out and throw my head back in grand approval. Its the unexpected laughter that comes from a deep place that I long for the most. As such, the past few days have paved the way for deep laughter. Commence.

Last week, I was able to go out with Matt and Amber, two old theatre souls that I dearly love to be seen with. Firstly, I met up with Matt and yes, the amazingly awesome Vanessa (V-dog) herself at Cup of Joe to hear her dad throw down some beats. He is quite talented, great to listen to whilst drinking a White Night with two (guilty) shots of espresso. We caught up on our lives, and what reality had in store. I can only hope I have my life as put together and well planned as Vanessa when I graduate. Afterwards we headed to The Landmark, a hole in the wall bar conveniently packed with douchebags. That being said, we didn't stay long. Fate brought us to a place no one would dare go at 2:00 in the morning. Perkins. Complete with breakfast. I'd say the meal was bittersweet, due to the fact that I was first eating quesadillas, then quesadillas con mucho syrup-o. Menke had ordered a breakfast entree that included pancakes. As he reached for the syrup container to douse his food in syrupy goodness, the top of the container popped off and managed to cover the table, some of the food, and a lot of Amber's boyfriends arm. Most would frown and say, wow he was completely off target. I am however, extremely impressed as he managed to get no syrup whatsoever on his pancakes. Cue deep laughter.

I found the PowerRangers text alert. I feel exponentially cool and also the impulse to play the ringtone whenever I am around anyone, really. The other day, I reminisced about the soundtrack from A Goofy Movie, and I suppose a trip to what made my world go round when I was 10 started from there. I honestly don't think I'll ever stop being a kid. Never lose your childish innocence, so they say. I suppose I've got that covered.

Matt and I are going to visit Luke the last weekend in July. I am glad we get to see him before November! I was not kosher in any way for waiting that long. We are planning on driving up to Council Bluffs and then make our way over to Omaha to see the Zoo (which I haven't been to in ages) and other interesting places in the area. We will probably only have one day with Luke, but I am still quite beside myself. We also may get down to Sioux City :)

California plans are confirmed! Megan just got the okay, and we are good to go. Needless to say, we have already started planning on the Mix for the drive down. Its going to be a long trip, but I think driving cross-country can be really enjoyable with the right people. I am still unsure of what we will be doing during the week, but I hope it includes a trip to the drive-in, Huntington Beach Farmer's Market, and dollar whole pineapples. Regardless, I'm beyond excited and I can't believe we will be leaving already in a matter of 2 1/2 weeks!

I learned more design techniques (yes, they do exist) for flower arrangements on Monday. All three of my pieces are priced and for sale in the cooler! Cheerio. As it is nearly 3:00, bout that time, ay chaps? I don't think I'll ever conform to a normal sleeping schedule. Too easy.